The Vocabulary of Parenthood Clarity™

Let’s talk words. Semantics. Terminology.

In the context of the Parenthood Clarity™ Courses, I use the following terms and want to share with you what I mean when using them.

The following definitions are contextual — they are in the context of choosing between living child-free, becoming a parent, or adding more children to your life.

Pronatalism

A society that encourages parenthood — where having a child is the expected behavior of those who are able to have children — is a pronatalist society.

Because we live in a pronatalist society, many individuals feel pressure to have children — an expectation rather than a choice. People think they should just know whether or not they want to have kids and that their answer to becoming a parent should always be yes.

This pressure clouds true clarity of desire, and for many individuals, it makes it incredibly difficult to decide once and for all whether or not they want to become a parent.

Clarity of Desire

A deep knowing of the truth of your desire. This only concerns you and what you want for yourself.

This includes “why” you desire what you desire — why you want what you want. It’s a knowing that comes from the inside. This truth is not a reaction to an unhealed wound or a reaction to another person or something outside of you or society. You are not broken if you don’t know what you want. There is always a good reason why you don’t know.

Clarity is your birthright. You deserve to know what you want about parenthood, living child-free, or adding more children to your life. You deserve to know and understand what drives this desire from the inside out. It’s reasonable (with help) to discover this truth no matter how long you’ve struggled with a lack of clarity.

Clarity can feel like a whisper of a desire, or it can feel strong. One is not better than the other. Desire always remains separate from your decision.

Clarity of One’s Desire Can Be Neutral

The myth that one should just know what they want — and that they should feel excited about it — can make it hard to accept feeling neutral about parenthood or living child-free.

When one’s truth of their desire is neutral, they do not experience anxiety about their desire. They do not question it, nor do they try to have different feelings about it. They are resolved to know their truth. They are not ambivalent but instead can see a great life down either path.

They might have ideal conditions for either path in terms of deciding which to choose. Neutrality is often discovered when one realizes that it is okay not to have a big driving yes or no feeling about it.

Often there is something else of greater importance than being a parent. It could be the desire for a healthy, stable relationship. It could be the desire for job satisfaction. It could be a sense of freedom that they would be a good parent but don’t feel they need to be a parent. 

Indifference is not the same as neutrality. Indifference has a component of unexplored reactivity attached to it. There is a quality of apathy to it. Neutrality is pure acceptance of not wanting one over the other but being able to be fully on board with either choice. Indifference is more of a defense from wanting to know what is true for you. This is not the same as neutrality. It makes sense to care about one’s interests.

Ambivalence, Undecided, Indecision

All of these are the same. All can be experienced with anxiety, and they don’t have to be.

Ambivalence is a place where not knowing becomes the focus which increases anxiety. It’s where not knowing is stressful but not knowing how to figure it out adds even more stress and torture. Anxiety loves uncertainty. It’s the anxiety and ruminating that keeps one stuck. This is a torturous place to be. And it is through no fault of yours that you are there. There is always a good reason.

When you are constantly going back and forth trying to know something that you cannot know — but you think you should know —  is painful. You cannot know because there are unconscious recordings involved. The function of ambivalence or going back and forth is to keep you from feeling the grief and loss of not being able to decide. When you are caught in a ruminating loop in your head you cannot move forward.

Ambivalence or indecision can be experienced without anxiety and immobilization. However, this is not what most people experience during parenthood indecision. They don’t know how to hold ambivalence without anxiety, worry, or stress.

There is a way forward without anxiety and I can help you find it. Spending some time choosing not to know what you want or what you’re going to do about it (while doing some exercises) is the fastest and most efficient way to receive new information that will allow you to gain clarity and come to a decision.

Here are your next steps…

• Access one of the many Free Resources I offer on my website.
• Buy the book I co-wrote with Denise L. Carlini, Motherhood-Is It For Me?
• Explore and register for one of my upcoming courses — Motherhood Clarity™ Course, Fatherhood Clarity™ Course, or my Parenthood Clarity™ Private Course.