"I am the definer of me."

The Mantra: Conclusion

The Mantra©, which is from our book Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity, is a series of validating statements that you can repeat to yourself when you're anxious about your motherhood indecision. Our hope is that The Mantra will help calm and center you while you're figuring things out.

I introduced The Mantra several weeks ago, and discussed the lines "It’s okay that I don’t know," and "I have had clarity before about many things," in my last blog. 

Today, we'll look at the concluding four lines of the Mantra, lines designed to help you feel confident that -- with a little exploration -- you will find the answers within you. 

The Mantra

I don’t know.
I don’t know why I don’t know.
It’s not my fault that I don’t know.
It’s okay that I don’t know.
I have had clarity before about many things.
My true desire matters and no one can know it better than I.
I am the definer of me.
The answers will come because they never left.
Only I can know what’s true for me... It’s all within me.

(Excerpt from "Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity" by Denise L. Carlini and Ann Davidman)

My true desire matters, and no one can know it better than I.

 This truth is very important to embrace. Society, family, and friends all want to tell you how to think and feel, particularly when it comes to this decision. Women are bombarded with judgmental messages regarding motherhood:

• “Of course you should have a child; it’s the most rewarding thing."

• “How selfish of you if you don’t [or do] have a child.”

• “You don’t have what it takes to have a child.”

The endless comments actually reveal more about the people speaking them than they do about you. You cannot look to anyone to tell you what is best for you.

We’re confident that as you do the exercises in these pages, the assurance My true desire matters, and no one can know it better than I will take on new meaning and become more and more accurate. 

I am the definer of me.

You must own this! You know you better than anyone else.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional environment with the message that you shouldn’t or couldn’t trust your thoughts or feelings, it might be difficult to know and accept the message I am the definer of me. When you are either taught intentionally or inadvertently (without malice) to focus on the needs of others instead of your own, it’s easy to merge where you end and another begins. Personal boundaries become blurry. How can you possibly know that you’re the definer of you without feeling a clear connection to exactly who you are?

If you work this program in the way it is presented, you’ll be able to fully embrace the truth of I am the definer of me. 

The answers will come because they never left. 

This statement confirms why this program is not a strategy for thinking your way through to an answer that does not currently exist. It’s not about your career, your bank account, your partner, or what you might lack. You know internally what you desire; however, you don’t have access to it because layers of hurt, ambivalence, and confusion are sitting on top of it.

Only I can know what’s true for me... It’s all within me. 

It’s time to look inward. This is why we ask you to stop making pros-and-cons lists and to put aside the external details of your life as you’re working through the twelve weeks. This is why we recommend not sharing your process with others until you complete the program. The depth of anxiety many women feel about not knowing is in part due to focusing on external circumstances and influences, most of which are out of their control. Everything you need to access your truth can be found right inside you.