"Am I Meant to Be a Father?" — The Question I'd Reframe

I recently came across an essay by a man openly wrestling with whether fatherhood is right for him. 

He's thoughtful, loving, and clearly self-aware. And the outpouring of support he received was beautiful to see.

But I'll be honest: my first reaction was, if a woman had written this, the response would look very different. She'd be told she was selfish, that she'd regret it, that she was overthinking something that should come naturally. 

The double standard speaks volumes about how much pressure still surrounds this decision — and how differently it lands depending on your gender.

What struck me most, though, was the question itself: Am I meant to be a father?

I'd reframe it. I don't believe in "meant to be." I believe in choices — and in facing the results of those choices honestly. The better question, to me, is simply: Do I want to be a father?

That distinction matters. "Meant to be" takes the decision out of your hands. "Do I want this?" puts it squarely back in them.

This writer is also doing something I see often — merging desire and decision. His desire to be a father is real. His current decision is to wait, to stay open. Those are two separate things, and it's worth holding them that way.

Men rarely get a safe space to explore this question out loud — with other men, without judgment. They're not raised to be vulnerable about it. But they need exactly that: room to look honestly at their relationship with their own father, to examine what they've inherited, what they want to keep, and what they want to leave behind.

Because at the end of the day, if you're a human, you get to decide whether you want to raise another one. But first — you have to actually explore whether you want to.

That's exactly what my Parenthood Clarity™ Process is designed to help you do. Over thirty years of working with people on this decision, I've found that the answer rarely comes from thinking harder. It comes from going deeper — past the noise, the expectations, and the stories you've been carrying — until you can finally hear your own truth. 

If you're ready to stop wondering and start exploring, I'd love to guide you there. You can start here:

• Access these Free Resources
• Read the book I co-wrote with Denise L. Carlini, Motherhood-Is It For Me? (men read the same book and change a few pronouns)
• Explore one of my courses — Motherhood Clarity™ Course, Fatherhood Clarity™ Course, or the Parenthood Clarity™ Private Course.
• Move through my popular Weekend Workshop, Is Parenthood for You? at your own pace — it’s now available as a 5-Part Digital Workshop (more than 6.5  hours of teaching!)
• Join our mailing list to hear about future programs being offered.